Nov: Day 16&17

Well these last few days have been a bit of a blur for me. From the state of shock...to the point of realizing this isn't a bad dream...this is reality of what I must do.  This post is a lot of rambling...have so much on my mind.

HOW LONG WILL YOU HAVE CHEMO THIS TIME? 

I have the question in my mind and have been asked by LOTS of my family and friends...
Well I am not sure to be honest with you all.  When I was told the other day about the "new" spot...I just was numb. I do remember the Dr stating that I will have 5 FU (chemo) that I had previously...however this time more "potent" since it won't be combined with radiation.  I will also have another type of chemo...but not sure the name...I do know that Thursday my treatment will take 3-4 hours and then sent home with the chemo pump for 2 days to follow and then d/c it and get an injection of either the neupogen (fingers crossed that'll work for me) or the PAINFUL neulasta (which my body aches from so bad). 

I also remember the Dr stating that we will go through so many  (?) treatments and then the tumor markers (CA19-9) will be drawn again...having the "good" PET scan and then not so good MRI the next day is still a blow to my heart...but I understand why...and how that happened.  With my tumor markers NOT going down...but instead increasing...there had to be "something" going on.  I am fortunate that I have intelligent, compassionate, & aggressive team of doctors all working with me now to get to the bottom of the "increasing CA19-9" mystery. 

YESTERDAY...

I was told by 2 men this: Jamie...you are so inspiring and inspire so many.  You have endured so much and are continuing to go through so much...all while keeping a smile on your face. 

I am not going to sit here and say my life is just a bed of roses...we all know that would be a BIG lie...but if I am going to have to fight to live...I am going to stay positive and keep a smile on my face.  I hope that by others seeing me smile...they will feel a little bit of HOPE and know that there is ALWAYS someone else fighting a greater battle. 

PRAYERS...

When I go in Tuesday for my colonoscopy/endoscopy...I need LOTS of prayers...I need to be uplifted that there will be NO more "areas of concern"...My prayer is that this "new" spot that they found on my liver is just there and NO where else.  I pray that "they" have found it early enough and that "C" hasn't spread anywhere else. 

What is it?...

People have asked so now you have liver "C"...well although there is a spot on my liver...it is not "Liver-C"...but it is considered Metastatic Pancreatic "C".  MEANING THIS:  The "C" has gone to invade another organ.  I DON'T like to think of it that way...instead think of it as the "C" has gone for a "visit" and must be STOPPED!!!

How are my babies handling it all?...

Well telling my girls was NO easy task on Friday.  I was hesitant...didn't know exactly how to break the news to them.  I once again put on my BIG girl panties...sat down with them and told them that..."Mama has to go through more chemo!"  The look on their faces was that of confusion...followed by questions of why. I didn't sugar coat anything...I broke the news to them that a tiny bit of "C" has been found on my liver...and that they will more than likely get to shave Mama's head this time. 

They took all that in...went on a few more hours as we were with my Mom and our good friends...then we came home. That is when "IT" hit HARD...

I called them to our couch and as I sat in the middle of them both...we hugged tight and let some tears fall.  It was then that once again I reassured them that I was going to fight...I was going to give it my all...I was tough, but they are tougher...I was going to stay strong for them...and that they are the TRUE reason why I am alive today because I fight for THEM!

My girls have been going to KIDS CAN COPE for sometime now...I am so VERY blessed that they are able to attend.  I feel so fortunate that there are people out there like "K" that takes on the responsibility of organizing a bi-monthly meeting for kids that are trying to cope with their parents going through "C"fights or that have lost their battle.  They continue to WANT to go to their coping class...a few months ago I thought...maybe they should take a break or only go once a month...but they ask me... "When is our next Kids can cope?" They share a special bond with the other kids in the class and nobody else will or can understand.  Not only are they all there to support each other...but they are doing activities that are helping them to cope with what emotions they might be experiencing.  

I have asked them at random times these past few days if they had any questions, or were scared, or how they were feeling...all I can say is...I HAVE 2 TOUGH LITTLE GIRLS!!!

Blogging...

As many of you know...my blog is a way for ME to cope.  It is somewhere that I can express my feelings, fears, my fight info, and what I have been up to.  I have challenged myself to blog everyday in November for PAN-CAN awareness month...well I am stepping up the challenge and will continue to blog each and every day as my body permits.  I want to be able to share exactly what I am experiencing-good or bad, and document my journey even in more detail for the world to see.  I have nothing to hide...I want the world to know what battles I have fought, the battles I have won, and the battles that I continue to fight.  Please continue to share my blog with your family, friends, and strangers...I am touching lives of many...that I am reminded of on a daily basis. THAT WAS MY GOAL...I will continue to touch 1000s more. 

MY STORY...

Many of you have encouraged me to share my story in a BOOK...well this isn't some make-believe, made up characters...this is MY LIFE...I had started months back to begin to write my story in a book form...I have started from when I was a child...to when we were at my Dad's funeral.  For some reason it is so "raw" for me still...that I have a hard time finishing that portion of my writing.  Someday my dream is to have it published...but if nothing else...it is for MY GIRLS.  So I will step that little project up too and begin writing more. I will have more "spare" time as I sit in the chemo room.

SONGS...

There is something about music that takes me back to a certain event/occasion good or bad...the words strike a memory.  I remember sitting at my benefit concert last year and precious Christian recording-artist- Mia Koehne (www.aboutmidnight.com)  begin to sing Demi Lovato's "SkyScaper"...she said how the words to this song took on a whole new meaning...she had heard a bit of my story and all she could do was think of me rising up from the ground...no matter what I was faced with. 

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of Paper

Go o and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper.



So with that being said...have you ever taken a song and looked at it in a new aspect? I do this ALL the time...last night I was flipping through songs on my old I-touch and thought WOW...this is for my girls...

 

 

 

My girls can...well anyone for that matter can look into my eyes and see what my babies mean to me.  No one or nothing can tell me that I can't do this...I am going to give it my all. I'd do anything for my girls...I'd walk the wire for them. I am going all the way to BEAT this!!!

 

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for taking this journey with me...for the love, support, and prayers.  I can and I will. Watch me!

 

Until next time...positive thoughts, prayers and MORE prayers!