Continued Prayers Please

This blog tonight is being written by Kari....tonight we ask that you please uplift Jamie in prayer as she's living with a constant will to survive. Some days are harder than others but one thing that remains....her faith! Please uplift her as well as Taryn and Maesyn, and her Mama and her sister, Meredith. Please pray for her entire family to be comforted. She wants me to remind you all to treat each day as a gift. Take nothing for granted. Make sure that the people you love know that you love them.

Check back....I will update the blog soon.



Jamie wants to share this quote...

While you live, love
While you breathe, sing
While you walk, dance
While you work, shine
While you see, dream.

Just an update straight from me

From the day I got diagnosed with "pan-can"...I always knew or was reminded (unfortunately) I was up against the odds/statistics...but didn't let it bother me because with God by my side I knew I could fight and give it my all. With that being said...I have done just that from day one of figuring out if it was primary pancreatic or breast "c" that had metastasized. Once it was determined to be pan-can I have been fighting ever since...so since 11/30/2012-it hasn't been an easy ride, but it has been a wild one. From the whipple surgery, chemo, radiation, more chemo, naturopath doctors, juicing, several supplements, several stent replacement surgeries, etc. etc. etc....
Many of you are aware, some have an idea, some think they know, and then who knows what all has been said...so I figured it was time the horse has spoke...
Last Wednesday I was given the news about my tumor markers reaching an all time high...and chemo not even being an option. People say/ask...well what about this, or what about that...why can't you do this or that? Well there is so much more to my puzzle...I have a huge blood clot we've been trying to manage/control along with the discovery of varices near my stomach wall. My stomach is not emptying properly...so that is just a glimpse. Right now at this time palliative care is under way and I'm living each day to the fullest that I'm able to with 2 little girls that call me Mama. At this time I ask you pray for peace and comfort for us.
Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers.

KOHL WILLIAM LANFORD

For those that do not know who this handsome man is...this is my cousin KOHL.  I was given the best 14th birthday present when my Aunt Terry gave birth to her twins...just one day after my birthday.  Big brother Nick was anxious to meet his little brothers...but we kept him busy and he didn't mind that because Uncle Bill (my Dad) would take him to John Deere to get the newest toy tractor.  Well On March 11th, 1992...Kohl William (named after my Daddy) was born first and a few minutes later next came Kirk Randall (named after his Daddy).  We knew these boys were special...but didn't know how special until a few days later.  At 3 days Kohl had to under go heart surgery and was hospitalized at St Joes for a very long while.  We would go in as often as we could to visit him...but would mostly stay home to care for little Nick and baby Kirk.   My Dad and Grandma Marjy would sneak in as often as possible and spend hours on end to sit with baby Kohl while he laid there in is little metal hospital bed.

Kohl was always monitored for his heart-later had additional surgery and was on medications. 

Kohl went on and graduated from Palo Verde Elem 8th grade-went onto Buckeye Union High School- Then graduated from Heavy Equipment School-top of his class.  I was kinda jealous he got to drive those BIG "Tonka" like trucks.  He had a successful job...but he never forgot his roots.  He didn't forget where he came from and would come home quite frequently to spend time with his family and close friends.

Today I got the call that I dreaded to get...my cousin Kohl was being rushed to the ER by paramedics.  Then a short time later got the news that Kohl would no longer have to suffer...he was in a better place now.  I am sure sharing stories with my Dad...and solving all lives issues as they look down from above.

My heart hurts for my Aunt, Uncle, Nick, Kirk and their ladies...but also everyone that has been touched by Kohl. 

He was a simple man...I wanted to share a little story...

Last time we talked was about 4 weeks ago.  Whenever he saw me he would make it a point to turn his truck around and see me or we'd make plans to meet for dinner.  He would simply shake his head and say, "Jame...you know some people go around this earth complaining about everything under the sun...do they not even see what YOU and I are having to go through?"  "We are fighting for our lives-you with your "C" and me with my heart"...but you know what "We keep a smile on our faces and we keep living life". 

So whether Kohl William (as he said I was the only one that would call him that besides his Mom) was your relative, your class mate, your friend, someone that's life was touched by him, or a simple stranger that knew of him...it is easy to say...he was a GOOD guy.  A simple one.  Didn't expect much...but worked for what he got.  Made a difference.  He made me proud to call him my cousin.

Kohl William I will miss you so much. I am sorry life wasn't always the easiest for you...but like we always discussed...we just keep living.  God's got you now.  I will say that I am a bit jealous you got to see my Daddy before I did.  Thanks for loving me always...because I will love you forever. 
I am sorry I didn't get to make it to a KORN concert with you...but since you know I was your coolest cousin-ha...I will still rock all my KORN cds and always play them for you.
Send me a sign every now and again...to let me know you are ok.  It's not like we can just call each other after its been a little while and say, "What the hell.!!!"...  I love you buddy.  Nick will be ok...but like you're always worried about...don't worry I will always keep my eye on little Kirk...your twin.

                 

        

 GONE AWAY

 

An Angel whispered
take my hand and
come with me
you're work here is done.

I went away to a place
where there's no tears, nor sorrow
only laughter and smiles,
there will always be a Tomorrow.

As I move amongst the clouds.
I'll look down and smile upon you,
while the angels
sing a heavenly song.

I am not alone
all who went before
are here
they awaited my return.

I know you'll grieve
and wish I was still here
I am here in the memories
you hold dear.

Remember how much I
love you
and know I took your
love with me.

I did not wish for
you to cry, nor feel sad.
My pain is gone and
I am Free!

Soon you'll come to me
until then
God will be with you
Just as He's with me.

 



Breaking the Silence...

*While cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway  near Laguna Beach, CA-with my girls last week...the ocean to my right and tourists walking down the side walks to my left...this song came on.  I thought how fitting to me...we don't know what tomorrow will bring or some of us (including myself) don't know what exactly we are to do with our lives...but there is a REASON...and the reason is to live, love, and appreciate all that God has given us.



******YES I AM YELLING...I WANT YOU TO READ THIS BOLD STATEMENT******

BEFORE I START THIS BLOG POST...I MUST WARN YOU...I HAVE NOT FALLEN OFF MY ROCKER, I HAVE NOT, REPEAT NOT GIVEN UP, I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY NEGATIVITY FROM ANYONE, I WILL SURROUND MYSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE AND POSITIVE THINGS.  SOME OF YOU WILL NOT AGREE WITH ME, THAT IS FINE TOO...TO EACH THEIR OWN.  OTHERS OF YOU WILL THINK WOW...THIS GIRL IS CRAZY.  OTHERS OF YOU WILL SUPPORT ME.  MANY OF YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD, AS I DO, AND KNOW HE IS THE ULTIMATE HEALER.  SO WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID...NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS...I WILL NOT ACCEPT THEM...INSTEAD OPEN YOUR MINDS TO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU. I HOPE THIS POST GOES VIRAL.  INFACT... IF I CAN CHANGE ONE OTHER PERSONS PERSPECTIVE ON "FIGHTING THE FIGHT"...THEN I THINK I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING GREAT.  SIT DOWN...THIS MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE TO READ.



*****************************************************************************



Hello...I am back!!! Well to be quite honest I never left.  Just needed some rejuvenation.  I have been keeping "quiet" and focusing on what needs to be done.  Done with what you might ask?  Fighting the fight and beating this "C".  I last left you all hangin with saying I would have a surgery that really has only been around for a few years...where they would go in and "burn" out the tumor area within my bile-duct.  Well that is no longer an option. My GI doctor doesn't feel comfortable with the area to work with. I will see him again next week and we will decide when I will go back in and exchange my stents...this is amazing so far...last few times they have only lasted about 4-5 weeks...we are creeping up on almost 8 weeks and shooting for 12 weeks.  So after I left from meeting with him...I knew I had to go another route of getting myself HEALED. 



I had met with I will call them "earthly" angels...talking to me about juicing more faithfully, eating organic, no meats, etc...I was wanting to go that route...but still was scared!!!  Not gonna lie.  When all I have been doing is chemo, chemo, and more chemo...I didn't know there was more to the healing process...because  I wouldn't open my eyes.  I had my blinders on and only saw it has a one way street...I didn't know there were other options and other alternatives. 



So after my last chemo...I told myself that I had to seriously pray about what I needed to do.  What needed to be done to get myself healthy.  I couldn't take another round and continue to feel the way I was feeling.  I couldn't stand leaving the clinic and coming home for 2 days with a pack of poison going continuously into my body. I needed a break from the poison...



Then one day I get a call from a highschool friend that asked me if I had watched the "Chris Beat Cancer" video?  For those of  you that have not seen this guy...check out this link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k3B0y0tjCg



Please watch the above link.  It is an 11:30 video...worth every minute of your time.  It was that video that gave me a sense of peace that I was going down the right path...or at least I would be going down the right path. 



I met with another naturopath dr and he has been guiding me in the direction I need to be going.  The very first time I saw him he asked me a lot of questions...however his words will forever stick with me...get rid of all negativity even if it involves people in your life, I can only be around positivity...then he asked if I believed in God...if I pray...that I would become closer to Him and have Faith.



So since that day of meeting with we will call him, Dr. Mc Serious...I have dedicated my life to getting healthy again.

I am not going into detail of everything...you can email me if you are interested...however just a little glimpse into a typical day:



*2xdaily drinking baking soda

*Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar-drinking it

*Ton of supplements

*Plant based protein shake with hemp hearts, flax seeds, chia seeds, almond milk

*rebounding 10 minutes at a time

*48-64oz of ORGANIC veggie juices -LOTS of greens. Not so much on fruit. And freshly juiced not V-8 out of a can

*DoTerra essential oils

*Castor oil packs

*LOTS of PRAYING

*Get sun each day

*LOTS of POSITIVE thoughts

*Drinking only spring water with a ph of 8.0 or greater to make my body less acidic

*NO MEATS



I know the above might sound a little crazy and ALL NATURAL...but hello folks! What is better to keep shoving poison down my body or perhaps HEAL it NATURALLY with what my body truly needs??? You tell me...hmmm!  The answer is obvious to me.  Again...some will disagree as they already have...but THIS IS MY BODY...I am healing ME!


Well I have faithfully done the above mentioned and last week had my labs drawn again...CA19-9 is at 77. The lowest it has ever been was right after whipple surgery when it was at 54. Mind you...I was diagnosed and it was 1,617.  So as you can see it has been all over the board.   Do I think its just a "fluke" deal or do I think it is because of what I am Doing...well I have Faith that it is truly because of what I am doing.  My liver function test (ast/alt) also decreased, along with my alk.phos going from 279 down to 149.  You be the judge...but I know that God is healing me!!!


So fast forward to this week...Monday I go into the clinic and meet with my team of doctors...mind you the only one that knew I was "taking a chemo break" was my fave dr...she had met with me last Friday and agreed with me.  My body needs a BREAK...it won't be the "C" that will kill me...it would be the chemo.  I have been going through chemo with the pan-can ever since Jan. 2013...ummm hello my body is tired!!!   She also informed me that my
"team" might not agree so much with me.  Well little did I know just how much they wouldn't necessarily like my decision.



Monday was like any other ordinary meeting with them. I go into the room and the sweet RN takes my vitals, goes over my med list with me...then the team comes in one by one and evaluates me.  I informed them I was NOT doing chemo that day...infact I needed a break. They informed me how I would need chemo for the rest of my life.  This is what I heard next... these were some of the negative responses  I got:



"Your CA19-9 really can't be a good indication if your "C" is growing or not" (well lets see...every time it is elevated the red flags come up...now it is decreasing and we aren't going to care that much about it)



"I am so glad you are following your heart...then moments later...how do I say this...You know your quality of life will be better not doing chemo...but your longevity will not" (wow! that was something I really wanted to hear on a Monday morning)



"Instead of coming here...maybe you can just go to your PCP to have labs drawn...Well I am glad you are doing what makes you happy...have a nice life" (Ok...so I don't agree with continuing poison into my body and so you'll throw me to the curb)



***DRUM ROLL PLEASE... and this is the best one that tops them all



"Well I am glad you are going with what you think is best for you...but we want to give you the option of palliative care"...you know HOSPICE"  As I sat there with I could feel tears building up in my eyes...I was like what?!  Proceeded with "You know you could go on service with them, they offer good counseling"  As I shook my head NO!...was then asked..."So you aren't interested in Hospice...you know you need to think about your girls and not just yourself"  (Well lets see I know how Hospice works...I am a believer in it...I worked in case management and would arrange for hospice ALL the time working at a hospital where it seemed like 85% of patients were 80 years or older...and only had 6 months or less to survive.)



Well as I gathered my purse and my belongings....I felt as though someone had just kicked me in the gut.  It took a few minutes from still being in shock...to then a little bit of anger...to then going to the nearest grocery store and buying more organic vegetables to come home and juice.  I wondered how people can go from as I put it to my family "rainbows and butterflies" to people that are so very negative and give you the worst feeling ever. (That sure isn't what their multi-million dollar ads advertise...hmmmm!)



Is it the evil dollar that drives people to think this way...that only chemo is going to benefit me?

Is it that they are not educated outside of the box? They don't know to much about the other alternatives?

Is it that they could "get in trouble" if they didn't do what the gov't/drug companies are telling them they should do?



Is it that any of the above, or all the above. I don't know. Quite frankly I really don't care...I just hope that no one else has to feel the way I did on Monday. I am not giving up HOPE...I am FIGHTING...I am getting my body HEALED not by poison...I am not ready to die.  I see life in a whole new perspective. 



I will be monitored...but as of now I am on vacation from chemo...I am feeling a little bit better each day.  My color is better.  I have put on a few more pounds.  My hair is slowly starting to feel better. My girls are seeing that I feel better. I am living LIFE!



The down side to going more "natural" insurance doesn't always cover what I need...so that is what I have to let go and let God take control of.   



Until next time...as "RoseMarie" says...Just show up for life and let GOD do the rest! There truly is a reason why I am still here today. :)  Never give up and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.



People have messaged me asking what they can do and if I could share with others who want to help...well number one send me positive thoughts and prayers for an ultimate healing.  If you would like to donate...I say this...gift cards are the easiest-I must eat whole/ ORGANIC ( not trying to be a snot...but it is the protocol I have to follow)...so I shop at Whole Foods, Sprouts, or  Frys the most.  If I could physically go get a job today...I would...but I have to get myself healed!!! Other places for gift cards-Target, Walmart, or Visa ones...or I do have a paypal: and the email address for that is: missjamiesjourney@gmail.com

THANK YOU to all of you that have done so much for myself, and my girls over these past almost 2 years.  I am appreciative of everything you all have done!!! HUGS <3

one day at at time

This whole "c" thing seems to take a toll on me.  Some days are better than others...and some days I would rather run and hide.  I have gotten a lot of emails lately "checking on me"...true...I haven't been posting a lot lately...but there is a good reason.  Or should I say reasons...from starting this summer with a bang with taking girls to do whatever we can to make memories...to not such good times...I was scheduled for chemo last Monday...but God knows what is best...I ended up in the clinic last Saturday with a fever and some back and abdominal pains...one thing led to another and needless to say Tuesday I had 3 more stents placed in my "bile-duct area"...so was that the "procedure to take out the "C"???...no!

I will have to go back in 4 weeks to have these stents removed, the "C" burned out and more stents placed. 

How am I doing?  As good as one can be doing going through all this.  These "stent" procedures are usually 1 1/2 hours long...however my last 2 procedures have lasted over 3 hours and I end up staying inpatient.  All I can say is I take it one day at a time...the aftermath of these stents are causing a lot of spasms and it feels like someone is inside grabbing my intestines and twisting them into a big knot at times...but I'll try to keep a smile on my face...even in pain. 

I try to remain positive and stay focused on MY life...and what I need to do that makes ME happy.

It so frustrating and saddens me sometimes that when I log onto my social media sites there is negativity at times and how "bad" some one's life might be just because they don't get their way or they think they have such a bad life...well folks...I don't mean to come across rude...but put on your big boy or big girl undies and deal with it!  There are bigger battles to fight in life and mine is fighting to survive!!! 

Thank you to those that have been continuing to pray and believe in me that I will continue to stay strong and fight!

Until next time...fighting this battle one day at a time.

Introducing: Thursdays with Taryn

I had the honor of meeting one on one with David Tabatsky...co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul's The Cancer Book...on Tuesday.  I have mentioned to most all my doctors that I blog...so "one" of my favorite doctors at CTCA arranged for me to meet with David.  He gave me a few suggestions what I can do...and one that made my face light up was quite obvious that I have to go for it. 

You see...my life has dealt a LOT with "C"...but I am also so much more than dealing with "C". I am Jamie. I am 36. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. More importantly I am a MAMA. 

My girls have had to deal with "C" also a lot of their lives watching me go through it all...from surgeries, chemo, radiation, blood draws, injections and so much more...but then again we have made so many other memories that don't involve that nasty "C". 

My girls are 2 very different little girls...anyone that truly knows my girls knows what I am talking about. Taryn is my gentle little lady...and Maesyn is my strong-willed little one.  Taryn loves to express herself through writing, and Maesyn although would rather be riding on a horse...she is also a very good artist. 

So this brings me back to the conversation I had with David...he made mention that why don't I have my girls be guest bloggers on my blog.  Thursdays with Taryn and Mondays with Maesyn.   There are no rules, limits, or stipulations...I have given the girls the opportunity to express themselves freely.  They can write 2 words, 2 paragraphs, 2 pages, or draw what is on their little minds.

We aren't just about dealing with "C"...we are about living the life that God has given us.  So without further delay...let me introduce you to someone extra special.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Hello! My name is Taryn . My family and friends sometimes call me "TT".  I am 11 years old and finishing my 6^th grade year of middle school.  I enjoy showing livestock, singing, dancing, soccer, playing my guitar,  gymnastics, and volleyball. Every Thursday I will be blogging. Let’s  begin…

THE SURVIVOR

So much depends

Upon

A Strong  cancer

Survivor

Coated with tears and

Poison

Beside the two

Little Girls.

 

One of my assignments in my writing class was to write a poem that  has a special meaning to you. I had a  hard time thinking about what I should do. So I told myself write about a survivor like my mom. So I picked up my pencil and started writing. And that’s what came out. A few  ways  I express my feelings is through writing, singing, and sports. -Taryn

 

 

I asked Taryn what was the meaning of her above passage was...she simply said...NGU (never give up).  There is more to being a strong survivor...going through chemo and all the tears...no matter what  you have your 2 little girls.  This my readers...is just a glimpse of my little TT.

Mama's Girls...

This post is dedicated to "my girls"

 Tonight we had a little impromptu photo shoot...pictures are worth a thousand words...and if I could I would cover every wall with pictures...

 



 

Taryn and Maesyn...this post is for you!!!

I know I write little "I LOVE YOUS"...and we do "our" things together...but I just want the world to know what I think about the 2 of YOU!!!  I know that our life hasn't always been peaches-n-creme...but let me tell you...this is OUR story.

No one else has walked in your shoes...no one has had to watch their Mama fight for her life like you 2...no one has had to tell their Mama see-you soon as many times as they go off to school and she (me) goes off to chemo...no one has had to see their Mama cry as she was scared for her life...no one else has had to "grow-up" like you 2 because of all life has thrown their way.

BUT...I can tell you this because of all the "crazy" stuff that we have had to go through...YOU 2 are strong little girls.  You continue to go through life as if we really aren't dealing with the "craziness"...

You go to school, you like showin' your pigs, riding horses, going to the water park, having a picnic at the park, riding your skate boards, riding our bikes together, shopping, para-gliding, our little mini-trips up North (which we are due for another one), walking down Grammy's lane together, taking an enormous amount of "selfies", jumping on the trampoline...then laying there at night as we gaze at the stars, having lots of sleep-overs because I guess your friends think you have a cool Mama-ha!
These are just to name a few...but whatever the day may be...we are ALWAYS making memories.

Today is Mother's Day...a Day to honor our Mom's...a day to recognize what "she" has done for us...I want to recognize the 2 that made me become a Mama...Yes, I am beyond thankful for MY Mama...but the 2 of you need to know what you mean to me.



Taryn Rae...YOU beautiful little girl were the first one that made me feel what it was like to love your own.  Some one that I carried for 9 months...someone that I would feel kick me for the first time...someone that would twist around in my tummy as I would drive my car and listen to music (maybe that's why you love music so much). 7-8-02 was such a glorious day as we welcomed you into the world.  I never knew what it meant when other's would say or refer to a "mother's love"...then you came along and I knew all to well what other Mamas were talking about.  You have brought so much joy into my life and continue to do so by being YOU.  You have the heart as big as the universe and a such an old soul that others only dream of having.  You are truly wiser beyond your years. 
I pray that God continues to guide you and protect you as growing up in today's world isn't the easiest...always keep your head held high, keep focused on what is right, know that you are loved...and always be YOU. Whether you become a singer/songwriter...or a doctor...I know you will be an awesome one.  I love you forever always! -Mama


Maesyn Lee...WOW! Where do I begin...my stunning little baby girl...I remember crying the night before I had you. Thought I could never love another as much as I loved your sister...but Grammy reassured me...that it just comes natural...and YES...I could love another just as much.  Well that much is for sure.  The minute you were born I was just as happy and in love as I was with "TT'...but you cried-ha...I knew you were going to be my strong-willed little one.  You were always so driven as to whatever you wanted...you were going to do or you were going to get. Ha! Who am I fooling...you still are! From being our animal-whisperer...to riding horses so fast around those barrels...from not accepting just an (A)...it has to be an (A+)...you are one determined little girl.  You have always wanted to be ahead of the game. You are quick-witted.  You have brought so much into my life...from near heart-attacks...to a heart that is so full of love from you.  You are a smart little girl...sometimes too smart. I pray that God always watches over you...guides you and gives you the direction in life that you'll always need.  Keep aiming high and I truly believe one day you will be that veterinarian that you dream of being...and not just any vet...but as you say...one for large animals.  Be you...always!  I love you to the moon and back 1000 times.-Mama


You BOTH make me one PROUD Mama!!!  Thank you for your unconditional love.

So as I mentioned that Mother's Day is about Moms...it is also about our kids.  Without you kids...there wouldn't be a reason to celebrate Mother's Day.



Many have seen people talk about heroes.  Some heroes wear capes, others might wear white-coats, some save people from burning buildings, some might pull your Mama over when she drives a little fast, some might teach you the ABCs or your 1-2-3s...but MY heroes wear braces...MY heroes are 2 little girls that call me Mama.  Yes, TT and Mae-Mae...you are MY heroes...without you life would be so boring...you are my reason to FIGHT...my reason to live.  Thank you for being YOU!!!

Until next time...kiss your babies and hug them tight...because they are only little for so such a short time.

I want to wish all you Mama's out there a Happy Mother's Day.  Continue to make a POSITIVE difference in your child(s) life...we are their role-models (or at least hopefully are).

"Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness.  If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love."-Stevie Wonder