Well this week marks week #5 of treatments with this "first" go-round. As I mentioned before I will have 7 weeks of radiation and chemo (5FU)...then 4 more additional months of the chemo (Gemsar). Well yesterday I got GREAT news...since I will be done with my 25th radiation treatment next Monday...I will be D-O-N-E with 5FU. Praise the Lord and pass the biscuits. That was fantastic news. I secretly hoped that I would be getting a break. God answers prayers!!!
This radiation and chemo combination has really taken a toll on me this week. The nausea has gotten worse and the energy level has seem to decrease...but one thing that hasn't changed is I am still hopeful and for the most part keep a smile on my face.
I laugh secretly inside when I am driving and I see grumpy drivers or people that look miserable in life...I want to roll down my window and scream "Oh yea...you think your life is bad...look at me I am hooked up to chemo 24-7 and now on my way to radiation which I do 5x/week...what do you think about that?!" Not to mention that I've already beat cancer once...I am on my way to doing it AGAIN! But like I mentioned...this is what I secretly am thinking...I will just continue to SMILE.
Today John...my radiation guy...asked me a question?!?!...
As for John, I don't want to just say "TECH" or whatever his official title is...because if you think about it...he's pretty special. He is running the machines that are killing people's cancer cells. So in a way he is like a super-hero that wears scrubs...and probably doesn't even think of himself as someone special. Well he is...and when and if he reads this I hope he knows it now...
YOU are special and THANK YOU for making a difference.
Back to John's question??? "Jamie, do you mind if I share your blog with others?"... My reply...ABSOLUTELY...Please do...that is why I blog in hopes of inspiring others to never give up and to keep fighting. I pray that if I can at least touch one person a day...then I have made a difference maybe just a small one...but at least a positive difference.
So I tell all of YOU...please share my blog!!! I think I have reached a "few" people already it is so awesome to see that I have over 12,100 views already and it hasn't even been 2 months. I enjoy blogging, as it gives me an outlet on coping with this battle.
I look forward to writing a book in the near future...until then THANK YOU for following along as I journey through this part of my life.
God is good...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tuesdays with Taw
When I had my first "post" whipple surgery appointment with my medical oncologist-Dr. Sharon Ondreyco...the appointment where I learned my stage of Pan-Can and what the game plan would be as far as treatments...I found out that I would be going through radiation again.
7 years ago I had radiation with a great rad-onco doctor...she was professional and knew what she was doing. She kept her relationship on a professional level-never straying to far from the "topic" of why I was there. She then moved a few hours south and a new doctor "tried" to fill her shoes. I was never impressed by him...I don't know if it was the smoke smell on his breath, or his arrogance that turned me off. All I do know is that I saw him for 2 visits and never returned.
So...when Dr.O asked about my "previous" doctor and then gave me this "Oh I hope this girl doesn't really like this doctor look"...I questioned her on who SHE would recommend. She immediately mentioned a Dr. Taw...in fact she stated she will be meeting with patients in my office tomorrow and I want you to meet her. She went on to tell me that I think you will like her...but you decide and if not I will recommend someone else. However I do think you will like Dr. Taw.
Out the door and into my Mom's car...I was overwhelmed, anxious and now excited to meet yet another new doctor the following day. I went to bed that night praying that it was all in God's hands...if I was meant to be a patient with this Dr. Taw...then tomorrow morning I would get a sign and know that I was in good hands and that our doctor/patient relationship would be nothing but the best.
So sure enough...I arrived the next day and in walks the sweetest, nicely dressed, most-petite little doctor. She began jotting down notes writing a mile a minute just as fast as I spoke and relived "my story". It was then that the "stranger-barely know you" attitude immediately changed. She asked if I believed in God?! And could tell by my story...and reassured me that I did in fact have a positive attitude. That is what gets people through their battles.
Dr. Taw went on to listen to my other "personal" stuff. She then shared her "personal" stuff...from kids, parents, divorce, death and HOPE. Hope that is what we have to hang onto. She reassured me that doctors gather a LOT of statistics and read into a lot...but they are just numbers...not to go off of that, or only hold onto those numbers. Instead it's all about attitude and the will to survive. She then went onto share about her sister...15 years ago was given 6 months to live. She has fought stage 4 lung cancer and is still fighting on. Just goes to show you how amazing our God is...he is the ultimate healer and you've got to remain hopeful and keep the Faith.
So once we were done with our over 30 minute "meet and greet"...she had to come up with a game plan for radiation. I got up from the chair and she asked..."Can I hug you?" Of course...I am a hugger too. I walked down the hall and out into the parking lot to my car. I sat down in the drivers seat and cried...I knew that "she" would be my new rad-onco doctor. I fell in love with her-not in a romantic way...but in a way that I knew she would be the one to care for me...that she had a desire and a compassion to help others. She had a story to tell...and she was living proof that God does have earthly angels to help us on this sometimes cruel world.
It was a few short weeks later that I was getting my first of 25 radiation treatments underway. I drove for the first 9 to her "east-side" location until her "west-side" location would open up. I meet with her every Tuesday...and I told her these are my "Tuesdays with Taw".
Today marks radiation treatment #16. It was also another extraordinary Tuesday with Taw. The love I feel from MY doctor is evident...YES...there are doctors out there that are in it still for the "right" reasons.
After I got my vitals taken and Dr. Taw was counting all my treatments...we then got on the personal level. I asked her about the future and concerns I have for my girls and their health...then she shared more about her family. She then went on about her sister that I knew about with lung "C"...then how she has lost a sister to ovarian "C". She shared more about attitude and how it plays such a major part in the outcome of your battle. How life can be so much different with negativity and if you have a poor attitude the outcome isn't always favorable.
Then she asked-"Have you ever had a lemon-head?" I looked at her at first...with a "huh" look-she then said again...you know a LEMON-HEAD. OH! Yes I said the candy...She went on to explain why she looks at life like a lemon-head. First you start to suck on the lemon-head and it is very sour...but the longer you do...the sweeter it gets. Like life...there will be tough times "sour" and we have to chose to remain positive...and it becomes easier or you'll get an understanding of why things happened the way that they did "sweeter" and it will make perfect sense.
When I got up to leave today...I told her thank you...and I would see her again soon...after I gave her a hug...she looked at me and said, "Jamie, you know that I love you!" I nodded my head and answered..."Yes, I do...I love you too and tell everyone about YOU!" I put on my shades...walked down the corridor of chairs and wiped my eyes once I got into my car.
Everything happens for a reason and I do believe that God only gives us what we can handle. Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much-ha! But I do know in the end I will be stronger because of the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to meet Dr. Taw and to become one of her patients. She has a heart bigger than Texas, a story to tell, and the compassion that I wish so many other medical professionals would have.
I will now look at life as a "LEMON-HEAD" and can't wait until my next Tuesday with Taw.
Dr.Taw thank you for being a reminder that: "Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference"
Until next time...
7 years ago I had radiation with a great rad-onco doctor...she was professional and knew what she was doing. She kept her relationship on a professional level-never straying to far from the "topic" of why I was there. She then moved a few hours south and a new doctor "tried" to fill her shoes. I was never impressed by him...I don't know if it was the smoke smell on his breath, or his arrogance that turned me off. All I do know is that I saw him for 2 visits and never returned.
So...when Dr.O asked about my "previous" doctor and then gave me this "Oh I hope this girl doesn't really like this doctor look"...I questioned her on who SHE would recommend. She immediately mentioned a Dr. Taw...in fact she stated she will be meeting with patients in my office tomorrow and I want you to meet her. She went on to tell me that I think you will like her...but you decide and if not I will recommend someone else. However I do think you will like Dr. Taw.
Out the door and into my Mom's car...I was overwhelmed, anxious and now excited to meet yet another new doctor the following day. I went to bed that night praying that it was all in God's hands...if I was meant to be a patient with this Dr. Taw...then tomorrow morning I would get a sign and know that I was in good hands and that our doctor/patient relationship would be nothing but the best.
So sure enough...I arrived the next day and in walks the sweetest, nicely dressed, most-petite little doctor. She began jotting down notes writing a mile a minute just as fast as I spoke and relived "my story". It was then that the "stranger-barely know you" attitude immediately changed. She asked if I believed in God?! And could tell by my story...and reassured me that I did in fact have a positive attitude. That is what gets people through their battles.
Dr. Taw went on to listen to my other "personal" stuff. She then shared her "personal" stuff...from kids, parents, divorce, death and HOPE. Hope that is what we have to hang onto. She reassured me that doctors gather a LOT of statistics and read into a lot...but they are just numbers...not to go off of that, or only hold onto those numbers. Instead it's all about attitude and the will to survive. She then went onto share about her sister...15 years ago was given 6 months to live. She has fought stage 4 lung cancer and is still fighting on. Just goes to show you how amazing our God is...he is the ultimate healer and you've got to remain hopeful and keep the Faith.
So once we were done with our over 30 minute "meet and greet"...she had to come up with a game plan for radiation. I got up from the chair and she asked..."Can I hug you?" Of course...I am a hugger too. I walked down the hall and out into the parking lot to my car. I sat down in the drivers seat and cried...I knew that "she" would be my new rad-onco doctor. I fell in love with her-not in a romantic way...but in a way that I knew she would be the one to care for me...that she had a desire and a compassion to help others. She had a story to tell...and she was living proof that God does have earthly angels to help us on this sometimes cruel world.
It was a few short weeks later that I was getting my first of 25 radiation treatments underway. I drove for the first 9 to her "east-side" location until her "west-side" location would open up. I meet with her every Tuesday...and I told her these are my "Tuesdays with Taw".
Today marks radiation treatment #16. It was also another extraordinary Tuesday with Taw. The love I feel from MY doctor is evident...YES...there are doctors out there that are in it still for the "right" reasons.
After I got my vitals taken and Dr. Taw was counting all my treatments...we then got on the personal level. I asked her about the future and concerns I have for my girls and their health...then she shared more about her family. She then went on about her sister that I knew about with lung "C"...then how she has lost a sister to ovarian "C". She shared more about attitude and how it plays such a major part in the outcome of your battle. How life can be so much different with negativity and if you have a poor attitude the outcome isn't always favorable.
Then she asked-"Have you ever had a lemon-head?" I looked at her at first...with a "huh" look-she then said again...you know a LEMON-HEAD. OH! Yes I said the candy...She went on to explain why she looks at life like a lemon-head. First you start to suck on the lemon-head and it is very sour...but the longer you do...the sweeter it gets. Like life...there will be tough times "sour" and we have to chose to remain positive...and it becomes easier or you'll get an understanding of why things happened the way that they did "sweeter" and it will make perfect sense.
When I got up to leave today...I told her thank you...and I would see her again soon...after I gave her a hug...she looked at me and said, "Jamie, you know that I love you!" I nodded my head and answered..."Yes, I do...I love you too and tell everyone about YOU!" I put on my shades...walked down the corridor of chairs and wiped my eyes once I got into my car.
Everything happens for a reason and I do believe that God only gives us what we can handle. Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much-ha! But I do know in the end I will be stronger because of the trials and tribulations that I have gone through. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to meet Dr. Taw and to become one of her patients. She has a heart bigger than Texas, a story to tell, and the compassion that I wish so many other medical professionals would have.
I will now look at life as a "LEMON-HEAD" and can't wait until my next Tuesday with Taw.
Dr.Taw thank you for being a reminder that: "Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference"
Until next time...
Monday, February 18, 2013
The Chair...Week 4
The king of country music...George Strait has a song titled..."The Chair". Well although that is a great song...this isn't the chair I am talking about. This isn't the chair that I am sure most people don't ever want to be in. This isn't the chair that I am sure most of us that have "fought" ever planned on sitting in. Yes...I am talking about "THE" chair in the CHEMO room.
So last week I met "T"...and we shared our stories, concerns, and the will to survive.
Once again...TODAY as I started week 4 of 7 of the 5FU...I sat in "THE" chair and waited for someone...anyone to come sit near me. Sure enough after my port decided today it would be a stubborn one again (like last week)...it wasn't long before "N" came through the doors. I asked her what she was fighting...Breast...stage 4 actually.
My heart sank! As she began to explain where all it had metastasized to..."bones, lungs, oh and recently it has gone to my brain too". Trying to emotionally keep it all together I took a deep breath...and realized once again just how short and precious life really is. I asked if she had any children...she has been fighting her fight for three years-no kids. But you can tell she has a very supportive family that is at her side. She was in there today to determine what was going on with her lower extremity...and looked at me and said, "I have to miss a lot of my treatments because of my counts and now they just don't know"...I looked back at her and said this simple phrase..."Keep Fighting!!!" She replied...with a half-smile..."I know!"
Once my port was hooked back up to chemo...I slowly got up out of the chair...and walked over to tell "N" it was nice meeting her and I would be praying for her.
Both of us...34 years YOUNG...sitting in "THE" chair. There are a million and one other things I wish we could be doing. Instead we are battling what we haven't chosen to fight...but what we are faced with and what we MUST fight!
My prayers go out to "N" as she is up against a difficult battle...I see it in her eyes that she has the will to fight...I just pray for her strength, and determination to NOT give up!
I wish that we didn't have to even bring up the word "CHEMO"...so there wouldn't be "THE" chair where we must all sit...but until that day I will sit there as if it is a Princess-Warrior chair and meet all kinds of amazing people, hear their stories, share my stories and most of all pray for a CURE...that there won't be so many others sitting in "THE" chair.
I
So last week I met "T"...and we shared our stories, concerns, and the will to survive.
Once again...TODAY as I started week 4 of 7 of the 5FU...I sat in "THE" chair and waited for someone...anyone to come sit near me. Sure enough after my port decided today it would be a stubborn one again (like last week)...it wasn't long before "N" came through the doors. I asked her what she was fighting...Breast...stage 4 actually.
My heart sank! As she began to explain where all it had metastasized to..."bones, lungs, oh and recently it has gone to my brain too". Trying to emotionally keep it all together I took a deep breath...and realized once again just how short and precious life really is. I asked if she had any children...she has been fighting her fight for three years-no kids. But you can tell she has a very supportive family that is at her side. She was in there today to determine what was going on with her lower extremity...and looked at me and said, "I have to miss a lot of my treatments because of my counts and now they just don't know"...I looked back at her and said this simple phrase..."Keep Fighting!!!" She replied...with a half-smile..."I know!"
Once my port was hooked back up to chemo...I slowly got up out of the chair...and walked over to tell "N" it was nice meeting her and I would be praying for her.
Both of us...34 years YOUNG...sitting in "THE" chair. There are a million and one other things I wish we could be doing. Instead we are battling what we haven't chosen to fight...but what we are faced with and what we MUST fight!
My prayers go out to "N" as she is up against a difficult battle...I see it in her eyes that she has the will to fight...I just pray for her strength, and determination to NOT give up!
I wish that we didn't have to even bring up the word "CHEMO"...so there wouldn't be "THE" chair where we must all sit...but until that day I will sit there as if it is a Princess-Warrior chair and meet all kinds of amazing people, hear their stories, share my stories and most of all pray for a CURE...that there won't be so many others sitting in "THE" chair.
I
Oh!...That is her?!
I should have shown you a few months ago...but was waiting for the right time. I feel that those of you that don't know me...can put a face to my stories now. :) These pictures were taken by the talented Jobrina Hofleit (someone who I have always looked up to when I was my girls' ages and she was a "cool" high schooler) I made a phone call to her when I was first diagnosed from Banner Thunderbird. I sat in my room and cried and knew I wanted pictures of my girls and me...I didn't know the prognosis or what treatments or surgeries I would have...but I did know I wanted my girls to hold onto the memories. I was discharged on a Friday night and Sunday afternoon my talented cousin K was at my house airbrushing my make-up, giving me some longer lashes and curling my hair. I thought I looked pretty good for having been so jaundice (yellow with a ting of green) and just getting my port placed. Then it was off to head west to meet up with Jobrina. <3 my pictures...and <3 YOU...THANK YOU!!!!!!
So onto the pictures...these are just a few from a LOT of my favorites...
Maesyn, Taryn, and Jamie
Maesyn-9 years old. "Mae-Mae"... My little spit-fire. Never a dull moment with this girl. She came into this world ready to take it on. She hasn't stopped with her smarts and determination and the will to do whatever she sets her mind to. Yes! She is my little strong-willed baby girl...but she is mine! She has a lot of love for not only ME...and her "TT"...but animals. She LOVES to ride horses, take care of her dogs, her hamster and any other animal that may come her way. Her compassion for the little things in life is precious...just wish others could take a minute and stop and realize what really matters in life. She is the half of my heart that keeps me fighting to survive and gives me the will to keep being a Mama.
Taryn-10 years old. "TT"...My sweet-hearted BIG girl. This little girl is far wiser than her years. She has seen so much and gone through a LOT in such a short little life. She is my softy...one that is very emotional and like me bottles up a lot...until she has had enough. She is so compassionate for others that it worries me she will get her feelings hurt by people in this "mean" world. (I have to warn her sometimes) She danced for 7 years and although she loved it...she wanted to try something new so she turned to soccer and now wants to play volleyball too. Her kind heart will take her far and as she mentioned to me the other day..."I want to be a doctor"...I believe she can be. She has the brains...and the drive to want to help others. She is the other half of my heart that makes me smile each day to know that she is mine. She encourages me each day to fight...and reminds me always that she loves me and is proud of me.
I do believe that children learn what they live...my girls have gone through a lot with my first battle...and everything else in between to this battle. I believe that they are tough little girls not because I've told them to be...but because they have chosen to be. They know that making a difference is important. They also know that their Mama is fighting her battles with Faith, Family, and Friends..but most importantly that their Mama LOVES them unconditionally.
To my Girls: Thank you for Loving ME!
You make my days brighter...
You make my heart feel loved...
You make me so proud of you...
You make me happy to be called Mama...
You make my frowns turn into smiles...
You make me...who I am!
Loving YOU always and forever-XOXO: Mama
Monday, February 11, 2013
"HE" had it all planned...
So most of you know my routine by now. I go to radiation 5x/week (Monday-Friday)...I am hooked up to my chemo pump continuously for a total of 7 weeks with this chemo (5FU) and every Monday I go into the "chemo room" and get my pump refilled. With more poison...the poison that kills the "C" cells and gives me a chance to enjoy life longer. :)
Monday's are pretty uneventful-I drive to radiation and then wait around for my "fill up" a few hours later. Well today I just wasn't feeling up to waiting around for the additional 2 hours till I went to my med. oncologist office for my chemo. I called into the office-asked nicely if they had any availability-if I could come early?! Sure enough...and it was the short drive from radiation to there that I was thinking-YES! I get to be done 2 hours early...will get to pick up my girls from school...and enjoy the rest of my afternoon with my babies.
But God had other plans...
Instead of my "maybe" 45 minute appointment...it turned into 2 hours and 20 minutes. What in the world...my port was seriously having a mind of its own. Wouldn't give my RN any blood return...and just being down right stubborn. The RN gave me 2mg of Activase (I believe it is used to break up the fibrin that accumulates around the catheter of my port)-I waited 20 minutes...nothing! Then they gave me some Heparin...yep! Still nothing...had me lay back-turn my head to the opposite side of my port...sit up...take a deep breath...yep! Still nothing. Finally after 2 hours...it worked!
But the exciting and heart-warming part of sitting there for so long...I got to share my story to yet another stranger that I left feeling like I had known for some time. It isn't the first time...I walk into the chemo room (happened during my breast cancer experience too) and everyone stops what they are saying or reading...and stares at me. Not in a horrible way...but in a way that what is this "YOUNG" girl doing in here?!
Once "T" and I made eye contact...it was on! She began asking me questions...and I kept telling my story. She is fighting Lung "C"...and I told her please don't listen or read statistics about anything that "we" are going through. She said, "I don't...because I believe God is the only one that truly knows"-Praise the LORD!!! Yes-I agree 100% . Even a few weeks ago when my rad onco Dr told me the same thing that doctors only go by or know statistics=from what other patients have gone through or encountered...you can NOT go by that. You have to remain positive!!! So "T" agreed with me-that this is the only way to fight our battles...surround yourself with positive people...don't think negative and keep fighting. I even threw in my Aloe-Vera spill to her too...because she will probably have to go through with radiation next.
I pray for "T" and all of us warriors that continue to fight the good fight. I do believe whole-hearted that God only gives us what we can handle...and in the end we will be here to share our story, help others and live for many more years.
"T" told me that I have been through so much...that I am going to get through this battle and live to be 90. I wouldn't mind living to be 90...as long as I am making a difference each and every day.
So tonight...I say THANK YOU GOD...for having my day all planned out just as you do each and every day. Thank you for loving me...giving me another day to share my story and hopefully I made a difference.
To you...my readers...Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and praying for me!!! Without you and your continued well wishes and encouragement...this fight would be a little tough! I'm keeping my dukes up and fighting this fight one day at a time.
Until next time...here's to those that we have lost to the battle, to those that are fighting this battle , and here's to those that have beat it!
Monday's are pretty uneventful-I drive to radiation and then wait around for my "fill up" a few hours later. Well today I just wasn't feeling up to waiting around for the additional 2 hours till I went to my med. oncologist office for my chemo. I called into the office-asked nicely if they had any availability-if I could come early?! Sure enough...and it was the short drive from radiation to there that I was thinking-YES! I get to be done 2 hours early...will get to pick up my girls from school...and enjoy the rest of my afternoon with my babies.
But God had other plans...
Instead of my "maybe" 45 minute appointment...it turned into 2 hours and 20 minutes. What in the world...my port was seriously having a mind of its own. Wouldn't give my RN any blood return...and just being down right stubborn. The RN gave me 2mg of Activase (I believe it is used to break up the fibrin that accumulates around the catheter of my port)-I waited 20 minutes...nothing! Then they gave me some Heparin...yep! Still nothing...had me lay back-turn my head to the opposite side of my port...sit up...take a deep breath...yep! Still nothing. Finally after 2 hours...it worked!
But the exciting and heart-warming part of sitting there for so long...I got to share my story to yet another stranger that I left feeling like I had known for some time. It isn't the first time...I walk into the chemo room (happened during my breast cancer experience too) and everyone stops what they are saying or reading...and stares at me. Not in a horrible way...but in a way that what is this "YOUNG" girl doing in here?!
Once "T" and I made eye contact...it was on! She began asking me questions...and I kept telling my story. She is fighting Lung "C"...and I told her please don't listen or read statistics about anything that "we" are going through. She said, "I don't...because I believe God is the only one that truly knows"-Praise the LORD!!! Yes-I agree 100% . Even a few weeks ago when my rad onco Dr told me the same thing that doctors only go by or know statistics=from what other patients have gone through or encountered...you can NOT go by that. You have to remain positive!!! So "T" agreed with me-that this is the only way to fight our battles...surround yourself with positive people...don't think negative and keep fighting. I even threw in my Aloe-Vera spill to her too...because she will probably have to go through with radiation next.
I pray for "T" and all of us warriors that continue to fight the good fight. I do believe whole-hearted that God only gives us what we can handle...and in the end we will be here to share our story, help others and live for many more years.
"T" told me that I have been through so much...that I am going to get through this battle and live to be 90. I wouldn't mind living to be 90...as long as I am making a difference each and every day.
So tonight...I say THANK YOU GOD...for having my day all planned out just as you do each and every day. Thank you for loving me...giving me another day to share my story and hopefully I made a difference.
To you...my readers...Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and praying for me!!! Without you and your continued well wishes and encouragement...this fight would be a little tough! I'm keeping my dukes up and fighting this fight one day at a time.
Until next time...here's to those that we have lost to the battle, to those that are fighting this battle , and here's to those that have beat it!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
10 YEARS-My Daddy
10 YEARS
Where oh where have the years gone by,
It seems as if you and I were just in your plane for a short little fly.
Hours have turned into days...days into months...and now months into years.
I know you are not physically here but I know you can hear me as I shed so many tears.
So much has happened since you have been gone and life just isn't the same,
I know there has been a lot of good that has gone on and then other stuff that is such a shame.
For those that don't know how you passed I will share because I know that they truly care
It was while he was riding down Vulture Mine Rd on his Harley-the news still hard to share.
We were all in such shock and didn't know how to respond...how could this be?
It wouldn't be until months later for myself that the picture was plain and that I could see.
I still don't think its fair that Taryn was just 6 months old...and Maesyn, Lakyn, and Hyder,
Wouldn't get to meet you or see what a great "Poppy" you were-instead we are here for a reminder.
Mama stays strong just for your baby girls...but we know how tough it must be,
Being married for so many years and then losing your best friend...how devastating you see.
Life may have continued to move on...but your memory remains forever in our hearts.
It was 2-5-03 that I last spoke to you and said those 3 simple words...I LOVE YOU!
Thank you for the signs you continue to give me,
I know you are always around I look and shall see.
Thank you for being my angel-and saving my life, with out you I might not have made it in 2005,
Instead I SURVIVED...and now I have you with me as I fight again and do the Pan-Can jive.
I LOVE YOU...always will-Thank you for loving me and allowing me to call you DADDY!
William D. Lanford
8-3-1954*2-5-2003
My father was a loving Daddy to my sister and I. Husband to my Mama. Grandpa to my baby girl who was just shy by 3 days of turning 6 months old. He was the Buckeye Valley District Fire Chief at the time of his passing. On 2-5-2003 he fueled up his fire-engine red "FF edition" Harley and headed up the hill to Prescott, AZ. I last spoke to him at 3:30pm and we had made plans to meet for dinner. It was at about 5:50pm that he got his angel wings as he was driving south of Wickenburg, AZ on Vulture Mine Road. On 2-10-2003 he was laid to rest with a procession miles long with fire-trucks, ambulances, friends and family. Once to the cemetery the medial helicopters flew in "missing man" formation as they had "Chief Lanford's" last call. One year later after his passing many members from the fire district placed a gorgeous memorial on the side of the road-if any one drives down Vulture Mine Road-you won't miss it as the Maltese cross sits about 6 feet tall.
My Daddy truly believed in making a difference each and everyday no matter how big, or how small. It was about 1 1/2 years after his passing that I discovered I had breast cancer and it was a shirt of his-which I had NEVER worn before that I noticed the small spot of blood on my chest. I truly believe he sent me a sign and saved my life, as I was already to stage 3.
If I could do anything to have my Daddy back...I would! I know that I can't so I keep his memory alive and try to follow in his foot steps the best that I know how to.
Life is too short...we must learn to forgive and forget and tell your loved ones what they truly mean to you. Just a simple: I am sorry...I am proud of you...and most important-I LOVE YOU!
Thank you Daddy for all the lives you touched and for all the little differences that you made.
Monday, February 4, 2013
I can, I will
Some of you saw that at 5 am today I had posted this on my FB page:
"Pain, Pain go away and don't come back another day"...
Well I couldn't even put any pressure or lay on my right side. It was a SHARP-STABBING pain that made me want to cry. Instead I just sat in bed and decided enough was enough...I would just get up and start my day. I got the girls ready the best that I could and then headed back to bed for a few hours. *THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!
It was off to radiation @12:20...as I started my 2nd week of treatments. I am not sure the "pain" I have been having and was experiencing is not from radiation. Which leads me to this concern...those that know anything about radiation therapy know just how precise it has to be. They can not over-lap any margins from my therapy 7 years ago...and of course they have to get the correct dimensions this go round to kill the "tumor"-area where it was removed and the lymph node area of any "C". With that being said...a portion of my RIGHT kidney is getting "zapped" each day with radiation. That makes me a little uneasy...but I can live with one kidney if that were the case and I do NOT want "C".
So as I drove off...I called my super-smart friend Tiffany who seriously needs to just be a doctor and drop the RN after her name. She gave me pointers on what I needed to ask my doctors-will I need a nephrologist...what about monitoring my BUN and CREATININE levels. Oh my! Of course...I just need her in my pocket so when I forget these types of questions she could be there.
Next up 1:30pm appointment at my medical onco office to get more chemo and to meet with the PA. Any questions...of course...I was mentioning everything Tiffany had just told me. The PA agreed that a complete blood panel needed to be drawn on me EVERY week and not just every other. Also if need be a nephrologist would be consulted.
Then she ask me questions...then about my girls. Here is where my day kinda took a turn...not for the worst...just the unexpected. So as most of you know I was thrilled when I heard that I would not be losing my hair with this chemo...well it was just that..."this" chemo. As you know I am currently getting 5FU chemo-which will last for 7 weeks(with the 5 days/week of radiation)...then at that point I will start another chemo for 4 months. When Dr. O mentioned I wouldn't be losing my hair as I did 7 years ago...it was one more devastating thing that I didn't have to go through...not to mention having to see my little girls' faces as they watch me each and every day.
I don't mean to be VAIN talking about what goes into my VEINS and the side effects...but seriously its just one more thing that us "C" patients have to deal with.
So what is that "other" chemo I will be getting-GEMSAR-which is used for PAN-CAN. If you didn't already know my game-plan I will share it again :) I will go into the chemo room get hooked up with pre-meds (anti-nausea and decadron) and then Gemsar they say takes about 30 minutes or so?!
The plan is once a week for 2 weeks straight, then off for one week. This will last for 4 months. Some of the side effects...well as I learned today: HAIR LOSS...and also a big concern for low platelet counts...so they will obviously continue to monitor my labs.
I keep telling myself...I can do this! I will do this!
I continue to cope with this battle and the everyday things that life has thrown my way. I try to keep my smile on and some days are harder than others. According to my friend Andrea...I am allowed to cry and she has given me the week off to deal with "my life" :) These past few days have been quite emotional...but then I stop and remember why it is...the past 10 years have been like this. Yikes!!! More to come tomorrow...until then-PRAY, LOVE, LAUGH, and CRY (if you need to)
"Pain, Pain go away and don't come back another day"...
Well I couldn't even put any pressure or lay on my right side. It was a SHARP-STABBING pain that made me want to cry. Instead I just sat in bed and decided enough was enough...I would just get up and start my day. I got the girls ready the best that I could and then headed back to bed for a few hours. *THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!
It was off to radiation @12:20...as I started my 2nd week of treatments. I am not sure the "pain" I have been having and was experiencing is not from radiation. Which leads me to this concern...those that know anything about radiation therapy know just how precise it has to be. They can not over-lap any margins from my therapy 7 years ago...and of course they have to get the correct dimensions this go round to kill the "tumor"-area where it was removed and the lymph node area of any "C". With that being said...a portion of my RIGHT kidney is getting "zapped" each day with radiation. That makes me a little uneasy...but I can live with one kidney if that were the case and I do NOT want "C".
So as I drove off...I called my super-smart friend Tiffany who seriously needs to just be a doctor and drop the RN after her name. She gave me pointers on what I needed to ask my doctors-will I need a nephrologist...what about monitoring my BUN and CREATININE levels. Oh my! Of course...I just need her in my pocket so when I forget these types of questions she could be there.
Next up 1:30pm appointment at my medical onco office to get more chemo and to meet with the PA. Any questions...of course...I was mentioning everything Tiffany had just told me. The PA agreed that a complete blood panel needed to be drawn on me EVERY week and not just every other. Also if need be a nephrologist would be consulted.
Then she ask me questions...then about my girls. Here is where my day kinda took a turn...not for the worst...just the unexpected. So as most of you know I was thrilled when I heard that I would not be losing my hair with this chemo...well it was just that..."this" chemo. As you know I am currently getting 5FU chemo-which will last for 7 weeks(with the 5 days/week of radiation)...then at that point I will start another chemo for 4 months. When Dr. O mentioned I wouldn't be losing my hair as I did 7 years ago...it was one more devastating thing that I didn't have to go through...not to mention having to see my little girls' faces as they watch me each and every day.
I don't mean to be VAIN talking about what goes into my VEINS and the side effects...but seriously its just one more thing that us "C" patients have to deal with.
So what is that "other" chemo I will be getting-GEMSAR-which is used for PAN-CAN. If you didn't already know my game-plan I will share it again :) I will go into the chemo room get hooked up with pre-meds (anti-nausea and decadron) and then Gemsar they say takes about 30 minutes or so?!
The plan is once a week for 2 weeks straight, then off for one week. This will last for 4 months. Some of the side effects...well as I learned today: HAIR LOSS...and also a big concern for low platelet counts...so they will obviously continue to monitor my labs.
I keep telling myself...I can do this! I will do this!
I continue to cope with this battle and the everyday things that life has thrown my way. I try to keep my smile on and some days are harder than others. According to my friend Andrea...I am allowed to cry and she has given me the week off to deal with "my life" :) These past few days have been quite emotional...but then I stop and remember why it is...the past 10 years have been like this. Yikes!!! More to come tomorrow...until then-PRAY, LOVE, LAUGH, and CRY (if you need to)
Friday, February 1, 2013
Hello...Goodbye Week:1
Well I must be doing something...RIGHT. So it is pretty amazing to see all the page views that my blog post get. Even if you take nothing from my crazy-spur of the moment posts...you can store the info for a later date if need be. What in the world am I talking about...well just this week alone I have ran into several people that THANK me for posting about ALOE VERA. Well that alone makes my heart HAPPY! Let me just share these 2 experiences...
********************************************************************************
Now for today's ramblings...This week brings week one of treatments to an end. With as busy as I have been with my full-time job (kickin' cancer to the curb) this week has FLOWN by. I told a good friend yesterday that I wish I had 36 hours to my days...just so I could get everything done. Being a mama to T & M and fighting cancer...makes me tired (just thinking about it)...let alone I'm going about my business like there is "nothing" going on.
I get a chuckle out of people and their responses when they see me out in public. I guess I don't fit the "typical" description of someone fighting cancer...whatever one might think that is. Instead I choose to keep a smile on my face, remain "feisty" (as one calls me), or better yet...get the title from my friend as the "PAN-CAN Princess" :)
Do I feel like a million bucks-absolutely not...in fact I described it to my Mama yesterday that I feel like I am on a constant fair-ride. Perhaps the "Zipper" that just keeps spinning round and round. Not the feeling that my head is spinning but the fact that my stomach is continuously feeling a bit nauseous. That feeling that I use to get when I would ride with my Daddy in his plane and he would pull up and down on the throttle. I do have medication for that...not the issue...the issue is most cause drowsiness. I don't have time for that...HELLO! I am a MAMA...I've got 2 babes to take care of.
So how do I deal with it??? I cope with it during the day and tell myself along with others...it is MIND over MATTER. While I am driving I just crank up the music and sing...while at home I blog...and any-thing/where in between I am sharing my story, getting radiated, or listening to my chemo pump "inject" every 12 minutes...not to forget besides all of the above the most important stuff...running my girls to and from school, helping with homework, taking them to their extracurricular activities, laundry, giving them LOTS of LOVE, etc...
I look forward to the end of carrying this chemo pump around...I have 6 more weeks...but hope they fly by like this first week has seemed to. I pray that my blood counts remain within normal range so I won't have to postpone any treatments and the nausea is able to be controlled with my "attitude"-ha!
*********************************************************************************
Onto the future:
As most ALL of you know by now...I was into my 3rd block of the RN program. I had to officially withdraw about 1 week before finishing that block. Devastated...ummm yes! That is an understatement...but as I look forward I am not sure what I "need" to do in life. The obvious is to fight this battle-and claim a victory which will look something like this:
Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you...as I know CANCER (yuck!) affects everyone and NO ONE fights ALONE...together WE can ALL make a difference. Keep on praying...as I keep holding onto FAITH that there WILL be a CURE!!! I'm forever grateful for all the love and support that I have and I want to pay it forward (when able to)...and share it with others...NEVER give up...ATTITUDE is everything...and with GOD by your side-ALL things are possible. I am a walking example...or as my doctors say...I am truly a miracle. I like to think that I am just too young still...and my time on this earth isn't completed yet-I still have a LOT to do...places to go, people to see and a story to tell.
Have a blessed day and go out and truly make a difference!
Until Next time-
Jamie
"Pan Can Princess"
"There are two ways to live: YOU can live as if nothing is a miracle; YOU can live as I everything is a miracle"-Albert Einstein
- Dr. Taw (my radiation onco dr) I asked her what her outlook on ALOE VERA was her response "Well my head and neck cancer patients that take Aloe Vera...it decreases their inflammation"
- At a doctor's appointment and a special lady shared with me that she has digestive issues and has taken ALOE VERA for years!!!
********************************************************************************
Now for today's ramblings...This week brings week one of treatments to an end. With as busy as I have been with my full-time job (kickin' cancer to the curb) this week has FLOWN by. I told a good friend yesterday that I wish I had 36 hours to my days...just so I could get everything done. Being a mama to T & M and fighting cancer...makes me tired (just thinking about it)...let alone I'm going about my business like there is "nothing" going on.
I get a chuckle out of people and their responses when they see me out in public. I guess I don't fit the "typical" description of someone fighting cancer...whatever one might think that is. Instead I choose to keep a smile on my face, remain "feisty" (as one calls me), or better yet...get the title from my friend as the "PAN-CAN Princess" :)
Do I feel like a million bucks-absolutely not...in fact I described it to my Mama yesterday that I feel like I am on a constant fair-ride. Perhaps the "Zipper" that just keeps spinning round and round. Not the feeling that my head is spinning but the fact that my stomach is continuously feeling a bit nauseous. That feeling that I use to get when I would ride with my Daddy in his plane and he would pull up and down on the throttle. I do have medication for that...not the issue...the issue is most cause drowsiness. I don't have time for that...HELLO! I am a MAMA...I've got 2 babes to take care of.
So how do I deal with it??? I cope with it during the day and tell myself along with others...it is MIND over MATTER. While I am driving I just crank up the music and sing...while at home I blog...and any-thing/where in between I am sharing my story, getting radiated, or listening to my chemo pump "inject" every 12 minutes...not to forget besides all of the above the most important stuff...running my girls to and from school, helping with homework, taking them to their extracurricular activities, laundry, giving them LOTS of LOVE, etc...
I look forward to the end of carrying this chemo pump around...I have 6 more weeks...but hope they fly by like this first week has seemed to. I pray that my blood counts remain within normal range so I won't have to postpone any treatments and the nausea is able to be controlled with my "attitude"-ha!
*********************************************************************************
Onto the future:
As most ALL of you know by now...I was into my 3rd block of the RN program. I had to officially withdraw about 1 week before finishing that block. Devastated...ummm yes! That is an understatement...but as I look forward I am not sure what I "need" to do in life. The obvious is to fight this battle-and claim a victory which will look something like this:
Jamie-2 Cancer-0.
But I am looking to the future a tad bit farther than that-(Yes I live one day at a time but...) I think and know I want to do something for cancer patients and their families. Whether it be sharing my story and giving others the hope and will to survive...writing a PAN CAN cook book (post-whipple)...writing my OWN book...to help other Moms fighting the fight...the opportunities are there and many keep running through my mind. I just know that God will shine his light on what I need to do and lead me in the right direction-"HE" knows the BIG picture-I just have to trust and BELIEVE and know that everything will come together and all the pieces of the puzzle will fit into place. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you...as I know CANCER (yuck!) affects everyone and NO ONE fights ALONE...together WE can ALL make a difference. Keep on praying...as I keep holding onto FAITH that there WILL be a CURE!!! I'm forever grateful for all the love and support that I have and I want to pay it forward (when able to)...and share it with others...NEVER give up...ATTITUDE is everything...and with GOD by your side-ALL things are possible. I am a walking example...or as my doctors say...I am truly a miracle. I like to think that I am just too young still...and my time on this earth isn't completed yet-I still have a LOT to do...places to go, people to see and a story to tell.
Have a blessed day and go out and truly make a difference!
Until Next time-
Jamie
"Pan Can Princess"
"There are two ways to live: YOU can live as if nothing is a miracle; YOU can live as I everything is a miracle"-Albert Einstein
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